You are no longer my enemy. I’ve never much liked you and honestly believe you are a crazy-mad-mixed-up concoction of irrational fears and motivations. I felt you before I had words to describe you and you fucked with my mind telling me how things should be and making me look foolish to believe otherwise. I truly despise you, but then again I truly love you. I love you because you are the gateway to my greatest journey. Opening to you will open to me.
Seems so unlikely from where I stand, but logic is illogical when it comes to the emotions. You stand squarely, sterile and white. Any mark or imperfection so easy to see. Reminds me of the pee stain on my white sheets at summer camp and the deep shame and superficial cover-up of a young boy’s heart, but this is my apology for considering you an enemy. You are every bit the victim as I and perhaps you’ve been on my side all along. Maybe now I’ll start to see it, hear it, and feel it, so that I may know it, learn from it, and love it more fully.
I’m afraid to love you, as I’ve been hurt before. Now I can see that I can only be hurt if I love. What a strange paradox! I suppose the opposite is true, that I can only hurt those that love me. I think it’s true that you’ve tried to love me. I’m sorry I haven’t been receptive. It didn’t feel like love, but I now believe it was and still is love. Perhaps I can open to a greater sense of what love can feel like. Perhaps I’m missing half the story.
Loving things that you love is easy.
Loving those you don’t seems impossible.
Therefore from this day forward, I declare a cease-fire and wish to secure a peace treaty before my commission expires. For my part, I promise to love and respect you through not-so-random acts of kindness in the hopes of proving to you that I am no longer your enemy either. As a friend, I will speak my unabridged truth, listen to yours, take time to communicate most clearly, and stay present to your well-being. As a lover, I will love you even if you hate me. I will not run from you nor will I fight. I will surrender and never give up.
*written to the cue of, “you are no longer my enemy…” offered to us in this writing course: http://course.bayoakomolafe.net/